Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.