I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
He-man has a Masters degree
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Van Gone
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.