I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨