I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
You Might Also Like
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
felt that
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”