I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I think the cat got the dog high.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop