I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Ummm
Can. I. Help. You.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.