I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…
…and everything seems to be in order here.
*falls down/passes out*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”
TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.