I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

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I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*


[Italian restaurant]

“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”


Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.


wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?


This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.


[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?


My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.


It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away


If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.