Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”