i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
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[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
#oldknees
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it