Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

haha same

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?