I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
🙀🙀🙀😹
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice