I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
What
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?