“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
🍞🦆
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”