Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Sponch

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.