Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.