“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The three genders
Ironic
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.