I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
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the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.