Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

😭😭

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.