Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reminder

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them