Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Bike for sale

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot