Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

I miss this era type of pranks😭

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.