I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
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You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
some cats are just doing for fun!
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks