@gagging

I’m not going to sugar coat this – you have diabetes

I’m not going to sugar coat this – you have diabetes

- @gagging

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@crunchenhanced

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

@redditships

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

@batkaren

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

@veronicakallday

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not