I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I occasionally drink every single night.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Do not steal food from the science building!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”