Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can also cook 😂

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.