I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
me as a parent
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game