I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
he chose this
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass