I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD