@lifecoachfit

I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.

Shhhhh. Stop crying.

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@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

@juliussharpe

If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.

@bombsydoll

girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was ‘too much’ & it was ‘too sweet’ so I ate her frosting & then I ate her

@JimmerThatisAll

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

@howe007

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@freypalm

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.