I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.

Shhhhh. Stop crying.

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“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”


If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.


girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was ‘too much’ & it was ‘too sweet’ so I ate her frosting & then I ate her


Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?


Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”



When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.


My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.


“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert


Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.