Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.