Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.