I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
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When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
How to properly lift a body
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
