Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no