Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Got him!

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.