Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

Children of the Corn Man

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??