@GaryJanetti

“I’m not good at goodbyes.” I am. See ya.

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@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@Smooheed

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

@pleatedjeans

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

@Book_Krazy

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

@ContradictEgo

Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin

@Liam26x

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

@JoroPotential

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.