DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
“I’m not good at goodbyes.” I am. See ya.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Me: He seems nice…
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Me: random axe of kindness
Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.