I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
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I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant