Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

lmao

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”