I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
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Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
no way 😭
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you