“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
#Thanos #MondayMood
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
