I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
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Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My plans: 2020:
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
the three branches of government
