I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
United Steaks of America
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
what does he know…
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
