Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry