I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
You Might Also Like
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next