I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy