I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
How is it still this week?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.