I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
THIS HEADLINE
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Good morning
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
