I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
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me refusing to leave twitter
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer