Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

dictator is short for richard potato

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then