I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.