Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Natty or not?

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.