I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
man: wait
time: no
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
#NeverForget
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Meeeee too!
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this