I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold