Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.