I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
thank god the sign was there
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.