Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

🤣

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

The Others (2001)

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

The median voter