@KelFocker
@david8hughes
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
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@david8hughes
@barryjohnharper
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
@AngryRaccoon2
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
@UncleDuke1969
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
@Shen_the_Bird
hagrid: you’re a wizard harry
harry: I’m a what?
hagrid: a wizard
harry: (thought he said lizard at first) oh ok that’s cool too I guess
@rikpayne
Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…
And now we wait.
@StarWarsProblms
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
@TheAndrewNadeau
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
@ObscureGent
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
@Frankie_Val
Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.