@KelFocker

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

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@david8hughes

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

@Shen_the_Bird

hagrid: you’re a wizard harry
harry: I’m a what?
hagrid: a wizard
harry: (thought he said lizard at first) oh ok that’s cool too I guess

@rikpayne

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

@TheAndrewNadeau

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

@ObscureGent

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

@Frankie_Val

Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.