I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.


Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.


Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.


hagrid: you’re a wizard harry
harry: I’m a what?
hagrid: a wizard
harry: (thought he said lizard at first) oh ok that’s cool too I guess


Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.


Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.


Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.


Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.