@KelFocker
@NaeemHoosain
1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freindsMy childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎
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@NaeemHoosain
@Mr_Kapowski
U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally
GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*
USDOF: Dammit we lost him
@onbrandbrandonn
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
@Kevaclysm
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
@jwoodham
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
@DeadLioness
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
@jonnysun
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
@LionJenkins
Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
@ComedicBust
Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM
Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.
[jurors gasp]
[Lawyer throws up]
@HatfieldAnne
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.