I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
A classic…
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.