1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds
My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally
GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*
USDOF: Dammit we lost him
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM
Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.
[Lawyer throws up]
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.