@KelFocker

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

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@NaeemHoosain

1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds

My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎

@Mr_Kapowski

U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally

GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*

USDOF: Dammit we lost him

@onbrandbrandonn

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@jwoodham

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

@jonnysun

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

@LionJenkins

Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.

@ComedicBust

Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM

Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.

[jurors gasp]

[Lawyer throws up]

@HatfieldAnne

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.