I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.