Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

bias laundering edition

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right