I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus