I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.