I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs