I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.