i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You Might Also Like
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing