i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You Might Also Like
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
