I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
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Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion