I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts