I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
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Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
never compromise your values
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
just having fun
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.