Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology