I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
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Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
ready to be harvested
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it