I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
j o i m p
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.