Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Accurate

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Another day, another…goddammit

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going